Wile E. Coyote vs. ACME Company
Wile E. Coyote,
Plaintiff -v.- Acme Company, Defendant
Opening statement of Mr.
Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr. Coyote:
My
client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resident of
Mr.
Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and
mental suffering caused as a direct result of the actions and/or gross
negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter
47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability.
Mr.
Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has purchased of the
Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that company's
mail-order department, certain products which did cause him bodily injury due
to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary labeling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of
purchase are at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily
restricted his ability to make a living in his profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is self-employed and thus not
eligible for Workmen's Compensation.
Mr.
Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via parcel post
one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of
Mr. Coyote was to use the Rocket sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled, Mr. Coyote
removed it from its wooden shipping crate and, sighting his prey in the
distance, activated the ignition. As Mr.
Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and
precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fifty
feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot
forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and
placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing
over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along its
path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he was pursuing veered sharply
to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to
follow this maneuver but was unable to, due to poorly designed steering on the
Rocket Sled and a faulty or nonexistent braking system. Shortly
thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote
into collision with the side of a mesa.
Paragraph
One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B), prepared
by Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the
multiple fractures, contusions, and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a
result of this collision. Repair of the
injuries required a full bandage around the head (excluding
the ears), a neck brace, and full or partial casts
on all four legs.
Hampered
by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to support himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid to
mobility one pair of Acme Rocket Skates. When he
attempted to use this product, however, he became involved in an accident
remarkably similar to that which occurred with the Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant sold over the counter, without caveat, a
product which attached powerful jet engines (in this case, two) to inadequate
vehicles, with little or no provision for passenger safety. Encumbered
by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket
Skates
soon after strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard so
violently as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette.
Mr.
Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this document he has
suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of Defendant: the Acme "Little
Giant" Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full listing,
see the Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalog and attached deposition, entered in
evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that
not once has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote performed in an
expected manner. To cite just one example: At the
expense of much time and personal effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the
outer rim of a butte a wooden trough beginning at the top of the butte and
spiraling downward around it to some few feet above a black X painted on the
desert floor. The trough was designed in such a way
that a spherical explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and
swiftly down to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed a
generous pile of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the spherical
Acme Bomb (Catalog #78-832), climbed to the top of the butte.
Mr. Coyote's prey, seeing the birdseed, approached, and Mr. Coyote
proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the fuse
burned down to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate.
In
addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparations to naught, the premature
detonation of Defendant's product resulted n the following disfigurements to
Mr. Coyote:
1. Severe singeing of the hair on the head,
neck, and muzzle.
2. Sooty discoloration.
3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing
the ear to dangle in the aftershock with a creaking noise.
4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers,
producing kinking, frazzling, and ashy disintegration.
5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and
lid charring.
We
come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains
of a pair of these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's Exhibit
D. Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories of
the University of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to date, no
explanation has been found for this product's sudden and extreme malfunction. As advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity
itself: two wood-and-metal sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of
high tensile strength and compressed in a tightly coiled position by a cocking
device with a lanyard release. Mr. Coyote believed
that this product would enable him to pounce upon his prey in the initial
moments of the chase, when swift reflexes are at a premium.
To
increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote affixed them by
their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent
to the boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote's prey was known to frequent. Mr. Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal sandals
and crouched in readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the lanyard
release. Within a short time Mr. Coyote's prey did
indeed appear on the path coming toward him. Unsuspecting,
the prey stopped near Mr. Coyote, well within range of the springs at full
extension. Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with care
and proceeded to pull the lanyard release.
At
this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyote forward and away
from the boulder. Instead, for reasons
yet unknown, the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr.
Coyote. As the intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote
hung suspended in air. Then the twin springs recoiled,
bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent feet-first collision with the boulder, the
full weight of his head and forequarters falling upon his lower extremities.
The
force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, where upon Mr. Coyote was
thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed. The boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape,
had begun to bounce down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs
adding to its velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote
came into contact with the boulder, or the boulder cam into contact with Mr.
Coyote, or both came into contact with the ground. As
the grade was a long one, this process continued for sometime.
The
sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr. Coyote, vix., flattening of the cranium, sideways displacement of
the tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and compression of
vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition of
blows along a vertical axis produced a series of regular horizontal folds in
Mr. Coyote's body tissues-- a rare and painful condition which caused Mr.
Coyote to expand upward and contract downward alternately as he walked, and to
emit an off-key, accordion like wheezing with every step. The
distracting and embarrassing nature of this symptom has been a major impediment
to Mr. Coyote's pursuit of a normal social life.
As
the court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of manufacture
and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work. It is
our contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the detriment of
the consumer of such specialized products as itching powder, giant kites,
Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much as he has come to mistrust Defendant's products, Mr.
Coyote has no other domestic source of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our trading partners in Western
Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where a giant company is
allowed to victimize the consumer in the most reckless and wrongful manner over
and over again.
Mr.
Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger economic implications
and assess punitive damages in the amount of seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual damages (missed
meals, medical expenses, days lost from professional occupation) of one million
dollars; general damages (mental suffering, injury to reputation) of twenty
million dollars; and attorney's fees of
seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. By awarding Mr.
Coyote the full amount, this Court will censure Defendant, its directors,
officers, shareholders, successors, and assigns, in the only language they
understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual predator to equal
protection under the law.